Christmastide 2021/2022 - Summary

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

It's been quite a year. Overall 2021 was a little better than 2020 but there were still quite a few challenges. The January 6th insurrection a little over a year ago. A return to in person learning in February 2021 after most of 2020 in distance learning due to the pandemic for most of 2020. Climate records. Crazy politics. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is falling apart. However, there's always hope. Christmas is proof of that. 

Christmastide 2020/2021 - Summary

Tuesday, February 2, 2021

This has been the hardest year of my life. That's not hyperbole. One year ago I had no clue what we were all in for in 2020. On Sunday March 15 I heard the governor of our state announce that schools would be going to distance learning. My job was turned upside down and inside out. The murder of George Floyd on March 25 at the hand of Minneapolis police officers occurred 5 blocks from our house. The stress from the protests, riots, burnings, curfews spilled into the rest of the summer along with heightened racial tensions. The 2020 election ramped up into high gear this summer after the nation political conventions and both side of the political divide were fearful of what would happen to the country if the opposing side won. There were heightened tensions during the election in November and a lot of tension followed with the outcome not apparent as soon as it usually is. 

It was a strange approach to the holiday season this year to say the least.  It was entered into with a sense of fatigue that was a so much stronger than any other year I’ve lived through. The fatigue this year as we approach the end of the year is different than every other year in that we’ve got the fatigue and exhaustion of 3/4 of a year to approaching a year of pandemic. It’s been emotionally and physically exhausting. A large part of this year’s end of the year fatigue is the emotional toll that being isolated from others has brought.

I’ve always enjoyed the holiday season at the end of the year with Christmas being the pinnacle of it. This year was difficult but what pops into my head is the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Christmas still arrives despite disappointment and high expectations not being met. The hope and promise that Christmas brings need not be diminished. 

Joy exists despite the pain. Joy arrives despite the pain. The work of Christmas will continue.

Christmastide 2019/2020 - Summary

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Interesting year. Not a bad one but challenging none-the-less. Dale and I reminisced this Christmas break about helping his parents move across state lines last Christmas break. We arrived home from that experience just a year ago yesterday. That was followed two months later with helping my Mom move from her condo to senior living. Big changes for our parents and a reminder to us that time is moving forward with little regard for our ability to process the complexity of feelings that go with those changes. 

Our church, Gethsemane, recently closed and that has driven the two of us to a lot of reflection. It's been a spiritual home and a meaningful place for both of us and it's been painful to see it go. However, we wonder if at times we gave too much and used the distraction of its troubles to keep us from tending to other important matters in our lives. 

During this break I had the desire to withdraw into myself. Usually during Christmas I want to spend time with others. I still made plans with folks, and in the long run I'm glad I did, but I was ultimately not wanting to spend time with others yet not wanting to be alone. I've been feeling more sadness than usual and I think on one level I knew I needed to process it. 

Dale and I were out for lunch on one of the last days of vacation and we both revisited memories that neither of us had shared with each other before. We think they were pretty defining moments in our lives where the two of us realized that we felt different from others and that we had to withdraw into ourselves and not share with others who we were. We felt that we learned to withhold things we believed risky to share and also started to not share inconsequential things as well. We learned to not get close to others and to withdraw. 

Christmas has always been meaningful to me but in my mania regarding it there's always been an element of using it as something of a distraction from life issues. After feeling like getting to the root of some of my pain the need for that mostly went away. Thus, as much as I enjoyed the season this year it was easier to let it go. 

Throughout much of this Christmas break I've held a few people in my thoughts. Of course, one is my dad. The cemetery where he's buried is just up the road from me. I think of him often but especially when Athena and I walk past his mausoleum. Another is Brian, an old friendship that didn't end the way I wanted it too and was never really resolved to my liking. Finally, Sharon, my dear friend from high school. I didn't find out about her death until many years after it happened when I ran into a classmate I hadn't seen in years who knew her. While taking down ornaments from the tree today I held them in my thoughts for a while. It felt like the three of them were actually with me. We might say I was visited by three spirits from the past. 

I decided to do a dry January this year and Dale decided to support me by doing one as well. A couple of close friends, Mike and Steve, have sung the praises of doing a detox month lately so I thought I'd try it out. We've both concluded that the ritual of drinking is what we miss more than the drinking itself. Mike and Charisse were over recently and once Mike and I were over the hump of not shaking up martinis we were fine not drinking. Related to this, the anticipation of cocktail hour is half the fun of cocktail hour itself. Not drinking has caused me to pay attention to some issues from my past, a few of them painful. This is a good thing. And my sleep since January 1st has been, well, incredible. 

Letting go of past anger allowed me to more easily forgive myself for hurting others and holding on to it for so long. In forgiving myself I found it easier to forgive others I feel have hurt me. Quite an epiphany for Epiphany. 

I've been feeling some sadness and melancholy with how fleeting life seems sometimes. But rebirth is the promise of Christmas and with that promise I'll move forward.

Christmastide 2018/2019 - Summary

This holiday season I've thought a lot about winter time and how we in the modern world don't listen to the signs the season is giving us. We don't live by the seasons in the way our ancestors even as recently as 100 years ago may have. With technology we tend to push through the season in a way that I don't think the way our North American and European ancestors may have. As I walked to school one morning at 7 a.m. in the cold and the dark I remember having a difficult time contemplating work that day and I couldn't help but wonder if I had lived 100 years ago if I'd even be out of the house, or even out of bed for that matter.

I've really tried to appreciate winter this year. My walks to school have been the perfect time to be aware of my surroundings and try to appreciate the beauty of winter. One morning there was a beautiful ice fog and it really made the trees look lovely. Seeing the bare trees against the November, December and January skies. The monochromatic look made by the white snow and the silvery grey skies. The calm and beauty of the city under a blanket of snow. Realizing the plants and animals are asleep as I continue to scurry about and wonder if I should take a page from their book and slow down a bit. Yes, I've really tried to listen to what winter might be trying to tell me this year.

Looking back to the beginning of November, which is what I recognize as the beginning of winter, it all seems like it's gone so fast. But when I think back to November 1st and acknowledge that the election hadn't happened yet, it all seems so long ago. It seems like an eternity when I look at it this way and think about the anxiety I was feeling those early days, and even though the election brought me some good news it seems so long ago.

As I look back a little further, say the last 4-5 years of so, I realize how my perspective is changing. The thins that used to preoccupu my thoughts were things I felt I had some influence over. Setting up a household, caree, relationship. Now that I've got those things down Im' thinking more about myself and others around me aging. I ani't got no control over that!

Helping Brenda and Irv move, and now helping mom getting ready to move indicates that more big changes are in store and that we're all just moving up in line to our entrance into the great beyond.

Christmastide 2017/2018 - Summary

Friday, January 5, 2018

What a year. I know of so many folks who are so looking forward to letting this year go.  Politically it's been a very unpleasant roller coast ride for me. But when I look at it from the standpoint of my personal life though, it's quite a different story. 

A year ago I was so depressed by what was going on at a national level that I resolved to take care of myself, get active, and focus on family and friendships. I did and overall I'm gonna claim success. I feel my friendships with my handful of close friends have grown deeper and more intimate. I've gotten more politically active through my labor union which has diminished my feelings of powerlessness and elevated my mood.  This past Christmas season has afforded me some time to think about all of this and appreciate where I'm at. For that I'm grateful. Despite all the ugliness in the news Christmas still comes around just the same.  It's hard to put it all away.

I read a book this year titled Old Fashioned Christmas by Ellen Stimson. I've always had a hard time saying goodbye to Christmas when it's all over and Ms. Stimson is one of the few authors of a Christmas themed book that's done a good job of describing what I often go through. She says, "And I really do not like putting away Christmas. I don't want it to end." Of course she goes into much more detail and provides the context of her own experience. For me it's hard to part with it all because it provides a beacon of light and hope during dark December. It's hard to say goodbye to the warm sentiment, time away from work, time with family and friends and time for quiet reflection, the color, spectacle, hope and anticipation, the memories of the past it stirs and helps to keep alive. Ms. Stimson also says, "...part of the secret of keeping Christmas is that Christmas has a time table." And, "Christmas only comes once a year. We all get our measure of Christmas. I have probably already had more Christmases in my past than I will get in the future. Unless I live to be 105, which doesn't seem exactly likely. But that rarity is what makes Christmas special. We have to put it away to keep it." True dat. 

Here's to many more...

Christmastide 2016/2017 - Summary

Written on Christmas Eve Day 2016:

It's been a hard Christmas season. It's an understatement to say the election this fall knocked me on my ass. The outcome has continued to affect my mood as we moved through Advent and approached Christmas which to me has always been accompanied by feelings of comfort and joy. However, this year I've had a sense of foreboding as we reach Christmas and anticipate the New Year. 

A man has been elected who makes thoughtless statements, often through tweets none-the-less, and many times contradicts what he says. If he doesn't contradict himself then those closest to him sometimes do. Recently he's tweeted very cavalierly that he wants to encourage a nuclear arms race. His statements about various minority groups have given me pause. Then there are his cabinet appointments as well. 

On top of all this it's expected to rain on Christmas Day. Rain. On Xmas Day. In Minnesota. I don't remember when it's ever done that. Reason for concern? I think so.

Written on New Year's Eve Day 2016:

I'm sitting at Stogies on Grand smoking my final cigar of 2016. I'm looking over what I last wrote on Christmas Eve and I'm feeling a lot better. I'm still experiencing feeling of trepidation regarding what's coming in to Washingtonbut I'm starting to look at all of it as an opportunity for change although I believe there's going to be pain along the way. I had allowed myself to not think about all of it and to try to get through vacation. By Xmas Eve Day I couldn't block it out any longer. As I moved through the rest of the day, I believe the promise of Christmas began to unfold in a way it never had before for me. I found myself surprised like the Grinch in Dr. Seuss' book. The joy of the holiday showed up just the same. I dropped Dale off at Church early so he could rehearse for the Christmas Eve service. Around 6 p.m. I walked around a deserted downtown and was struck by the quiet. Once in a while someone would walk by, usually in the distance. It didn't feel much like Christmas as I walked through the grey desolation around me. Eventually though, I was taken over by a feeling of peace and hopefully anticipation as I looked forward to the Christmas Eve service.

When I walked into the church, the light and warmth and sight of people severely contrasted with the cold and grey desolation of the outside world. Emma B. greeted me with a hug and reminded me I was to play one of the three kings in the Xmas pageant which I had completely forgotten about. It turned out to be an informal yet lovely service. I really felt like I was surrounded by an island of light in the darkness considering my walk before the service. No, it was not lost on me how that feeling I was feeling may have been felt by a couple of displace Palestinians who were expecting a child. I want to believe they felt the feelings of comfort and hope on their Christmas Eve just as I did that night. 

Christmas Season 2015/2016 - Twelfth Night & Summary

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

The garden in winter. I think my white clay dough ornaments turned out rather well. Very mild. Pleasant albeit a little scary for the beginning of January.

As always, this season has been a wonderful time to stop and reflect while experiencing the wonderful sight, sounds, smells, and tastes of the season while enjoying time with family and friends and missing those no longer with us. 

I'll close out this Christmastide with a poem:

The Year

What can be said in New Year rhymes,

That's not been said a thousand times?

The new years come, the old years go,

We know we dream, we dream we know.

We rise up laughing with the light,

We lie down weeping with the night.

We hug the world until it stings,

We curse it then and sigh for wings.

We live, we love, we woo, we wed,

We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.

We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,

And that's the burden of a year. 

-Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919)

Christmastide 2014/2015 - Summary

January 6, 2015

Christmas really is a most wonderful time of the year. I'm so grateful to have spent this Christmastide with so many wonderful family and friends including Mom, Dale, Noel, Mike, Charisse, Warren, and  Gary. I love experiencing the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and emotions of this fantastic season with them. 

Christmastide 2013/2014 - Summary

The Christmas season this year was joyous. I found that I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked. Much of the joy came in being just fine with that. It was nice. I just really appreciate having some time to slow down and reflect on the past year but also to look with anticipation and without stress what the upcoming year might hold. The only stressful part was singing for two services on Christmas Eve but that worked itself out quite quickly. Christmas Day was peaceful and it was great being able to spend it with Mom and Dale. It think this was the most meaningful part of the holiday for me. The wonder, magic, and anticipation that come with the season never cease to amaze me. Every year I get to relive being a kid again. New year's Eve day at the Swedish Institute with Dale was quite enchanting. Drinking glogg, eating Swedish food, touring that beautiful mansion all decked out for Christmas, seeing the kitchen section of the house opened for the first time, feeling a connection to my Swedish ancestors and also to old Minneapolis was more pure magic. Spending time with Dale there with whom I've spent 21 of my 48 Christmases. That's just about 44% of all my Christmases! I love having a connection with my past and feeling the continuity with the present. 

Christmas Season 2012/2013 - Epiphany & Summary

I took down the ornaments and the tree on this beautiful, cold, sunny Epiphany day.  It reminded me of the day I put the tree up, December 24.  It's always hard for me to say goodbye to Christmas but, as we all know, if it lasted all year it wouldn't be as special.  So, there you go.  By the way, this is the earliest I've had the tree down in years.  Dale was pleased to say the least.

Christmas Season 2011 -Twelfth Night & Summary

I did a little research online today and found out the following:

"Twelfth Night is a festival in some branches of Christianity marking the coming of the Epiphany and concluding the Twelve Days of Christmas."

"It is defined by the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary as 'the evening of the fifth of January, preceding Twelfth Day, the eve of the Epiphany, formerly the last day of the Christmas festivities and observed as a time of merrymaking.' However, there is currently some confusion as to which night is Twelfth Night: some count the night of Epiphany itself (sixth of January) to be Twelfth Night. One source of this confusion is the Medieval custom of starting each new day at sunset, so that Twelfth Night precedes Twelfth Day."

Well, tonight is the eve of January 6th so we'll follow the Medieval custom and call this Twelfth Night.

Dale and I celebrated with drinks, steaks and chocolate cake (and Downton Abbey too). It was all very lovely.

Christmastide this year was remarkable. It was full of family, fun, food, friends, gifts, Gethsemane and more. I'd like to help sum it all up with a poem. 

Ring Out, Wild Bells

Ring out wild bells, to the wild sky,

The flying cloud, the frosty light:

The year is dying in the night;

Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind

For those that here we see no more;

Ring out the feud of rich and poor,

Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,

And ancient forms of party strife;

Ring in the nobler modes of life,

With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,

The faithless coldness of the times;

Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes

But ring the fuller minstrel in. 

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

-Alfred, Lord Tennyson (1809 - 1892)